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Jeff Wikstrom

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In case I didn't mention it [Jan. 9th, 2009|04:15 pm]
I won't be updating this any longer. I'll still use LJ to read other people's posts and such, but everything I write will be going to www.jeffwik.com and to some lesser extent Facebook.
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Remember when I used to do this a lot? Good times, good times. [Jan. 5th, 2009|10:46 am]


This may be the first time I've felt an urge to print out a 9 Chickweed Lane strip and affix it to my working space. I have a variation on this conversation with a student an average of once a year, which is less than some, but I'm only an organic chemistry teaching assistant.

One time a student wasn't happy with the grade they got on the first lab report of the semester, and wanted to redo it, and I said no, our policy is we don't do that, and she kept asking me if she could redo it over and over again, as the semester went on, and then just before the final exam she redid the report anyway and put it in my mailbox, and then when her lab grade was a B instead of an A, she emailed me asking what had happened and why I hadn't changed her grade to reflect how she'd redone her lab report.





So Dick Tracy's new storyline does not feature a haunted Diet Smith fretting over what to do with his freewill-eradication machine, and it does not feature Lottie Latte the transsexual NSA sniper who can shoot a man's throat out from a quarter-mile away (there are just so many things confusingly wrong about Lottie Latte that she is my favorite character find of 2006). Instead it features this ambiguously gendered marketer, which is a pale substitute I think we can agree... but the phrase "Dick Tracy toiletries" does fill one with a certain sense of anticipation, doesn't it? I am envisioning a tiny gun for shooting the individual hairs off of your face -- slicing their throats with a razor blade isn't Dick Tracy's style -- and black shoe polish for his hair, and the Tess Tracy home botox kit. Really, the possibilities are endless.




ADVICE TO SLICK SMITTY: When you decide to lie, keep your lie as simple as possible. Do not create a whole web of lies when one false statement -- "that treasure chest belongs to me" -- will do. Especially do not create a web of lies wherein some of the lies are non sequiturs -- "that treasure chest belongs to me, also that nail over there." You're practically handing the case to Slylock Fox when you get started like this. "That treasure chest belongs to me, you can tell because it's made out of wood mined from the island of Utah, off the coast of Colorado in the Indian Ocean. I got the chest as a present on the occasion of Gerald Ford's election to the office of President of the United States in 1956, from my good friend Charlemagne. Charlemagne and I used to go disco-dancing in the mid 1950s; we would get in our Saturn automobiles and drive to JFK airport outside Washington, DC, then fly JetBlue to the city of Petrograd in the USSR, which is what they called Australia at the time. Now in those days flying JetBlue cost a nickel, and nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. 'Give me five bees for a quarter,' you'd say. I forget where I was going with this.




Today's Improved Garfield says it all, really. Garfield walks around, then smiles smugly at the reader. "You thought I was going to do something funny, didn't you? Well, the joke's on you! I can be funny or not and I get paid either way!"
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PLANET: A SURVIVALIST'S GUIDE (9 of N) [Dec. 24th, 2008|03:44 pm]
Behind a cut because it is long. The immediately preceding entry can be found here.

Read more... )
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PLANET: A SURVIVALIST'S GUIDE (8 of N) [Dec. 23rd, 2008|03:32 pm]
Behind a cut because it is long. The immediately preceding entry is here.

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PLANET: A SURVIVALIST'S GUIDE (7 of N) [Dec. 6th, 2008|09:47 pm]
[music |Nancy Sinatra - ''Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)'']

Behind a cut because it is long. The immediately preceeding entry is here. Fletch has accquired my penchant for numbered lists; this was probably inevitable.

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PLANET: A SURVIVALIST'S GUIDE (6 of N) [Dec. 4th, 2008|11:24 am]
Behind a cut because it is long. The immediately preceeding entry is here.

Read more... )
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PLANET: A SURVIVALIST'S GUIDE (5 of N) [Dec. 3rd, 2008|10:08 pm]
Behind a cut because it is long. The immediately preceding entry is here.

Read more... )
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(no subject) [Nov. 18th, 2008|02:08 pm]
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Planet: A Survivalist's Guide (4 of N) [Nov. 13th, 2008|01:17 pm]
Behind a cut because it is long. The immediately prior installment is here.

Read more... )
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Planet: A Survivalist's Guide (3 of N) [Nov. 10th, 2008|11:42 pm]
The previous installment remains here.

DAY THREE, dawn We are out of the Hive, with the sun on our faces. I would thank the dead gods, but they had and have nothing to do with this place. I can hardly begin to recapitulate the experiences of yesterday afternoon and evening, but I must commit it to palimpsest or Yang's crimes might pass from memory.

The gate was ordered open, eventually, by a robed male dragonborn in early middle age, old enough he was surely born on Toril-That-Was. This man introduced himself as Advisor Shion, and greeted us and invited us into Yang's settlement (which he called either Mountain or the Mountain). That is not entirely accurate: he greeted Rogash and myself, but ignored Throg and Grog as if they were our pets.

We travelled into the settlement I have dubbed the Hive, for reasons which will soon be apparent. The corridor was high-ceilinged and wide -- easily ten feet high and ten broad. It's obvious this is to facilitate movement by the hulking brutish sibeccai guards, and the nearly-as-hulking sibeccai workers. We were taken on a brief tour of part of the Hive, to impress us with Yang's power. The most memorable locations I recall were a barracks where Shion claimed 4500 sibeccai workers slept in three shifts of 1500 each, which given the size of the space and the tight packing of the tiny spare beds I can well believe, and a vast open cavern where hundreds and hundreds of sibeccai laborers mined out ore.

Every sibeccai we saw had the same dull, glassy expression. Every laborer was clearly focused on his task (we saw, now that I think about it, no female sibeccai, and no children; presumably they are penned up deeper within the Hive and made to perform different sorts of labor). Every guard stood impassive and blank, not laughing, not joking, not conversing with his fellows. In the pit mine, I saw one laborer's pick slip from his hands and pierce his bare foot, and he did not cry out or flinch, but merely picked the tool back up again and resumed his labor, ignoring his own welling blood.

These sibeccai too were dressed alike, in leather breeches, while the guards wore heavy scale armor. I did not see any evidence of animal husbandry, though later we learned Yang keeps a herd of goats high up above the Hive. The breeches were not goatskin, however, I can assure you.

We tried to communicate with the folk of the Hive, but Shion kept answering for them (which seemed to be what they expected, as they looked to him for answers to questions such as "what is your name?"). Most of Shion's answers, and indeed his words at this stage, consisted of praise for Yang. This praise quickly passed the point of embarassment and became absurdly flowery and effusive; more than once Yang was referred to as a god. At several points, Shion stepped away from us to speak to a sibeccai messenger, but only briefly; we were never left unescorted or unsupervised.

I wanted to ask after the cafeterias, but our tour was interrupted when Shion took us to a conference room and plied us with delicacies. We sat at a wooden table, in wooden chairs (sized for dragonborn, so we all fit easily). Shion offered us meat, bread, cheese, and wine (something which I had never actually seen, up to this point). Rogash and I, fearing poison, declined, but Throg and Grog ate heartily. Once we were ensconed, Shion impressed upon us several points, which I can but summarize here.

1. Yang has expected us for years now; he remembers his early communication with Zhaurron. Though he does not know the location of Valley, he has anticipated us appearing and petitioning to join his great society, and we are welcome to do so.
2. The many benefits of accepting Yang's leadership include the alchemical cocktail developed by Yang's ally the savant Zakharov, which grants tremendous physical strength and spiritual tranquility.
3. We are to be thanked for recovering the bodies of the Hive patrol that succumbed to the mindworms. (I recall actually that I am conflating the earliest words Shion spoke with our dialogue during the tour, but it makes little difference.)
4. That patrol was the only patrol ever lost by the Hive; they harvest many Planetpearls all the time. (LIE!)
5. Approximately fifty thousand people live in the Hive. (LIE!)
6. Of course the Hive's genius savants can sure Zhaurron's illness.

Shion asked us the precise location of Valley; Rogash (who spoke for us) placed us at a very different part of the map (though still southerly) relative to the Hive than Valley's actual location, and well away from the monolith.

Eventually the tour continued, or was supposed to continue, with a visit to the Hive's "tree grove." As we traveled down a corridor towards this supposed grove, however, a series of three sibeccai ran down Shion in the hallway and passed him palimsest reports; apparently there were crises that only Shion could handle. Shion left us alone in a corridor with a sibeccai messenger -- Sibeccai Jax (apparently "sibeccai" is in the Hive a job title as well as the name of a sapient species), who had a message for Shion about "Drone Dolapar." Jax seemed somewhat less drugged than the sibeccai we had seen elsewhere; he was aware enough to be fearful of speaking to us.

We were unable to visit the "grove," though we heard screaming coming from that direction. Shion soon reappeared and escorted us to the presence of Yang himself.

My hand and spirit alike are too tired to properly describe this encounter now. More later.
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Planet: A Survivalist's Guide (Part 2 of N) [Nov. 10th, 2008|12:51 am]
For part one, check here.

DAY TWO, darkest night. As we feel fully invigorated after only an hour's rest in the shadow of the monolith, we have decided to press on towards the supposed location of Yang's camp. First, however, is the issue of what to do with the two shadar-kai corpses. Given the hostility between us and these foes, we feel little desire to honor their spirits with a formal burial -- far from it, in fact. Our greater concern is that these villains' compatriots, these Planet cultists, will find their comrades slain and their holy site defiled, and track down Valley.

We have removed all traces of our presence from the monolith save two: the crossbow-traps we had to deactivate to enable us to clean our other traces, and the stone-and-mortared wall barricading the monolith's doorway, which Throg smashed, and which we lack the resources to repair. With luck any search party will only examine the chamber beneath the monolith, the sanctum with the blood of Planet; if they do not venture up into the monolith then they would have to notice the trap is off to realize that there was misadventure here. I tell myself this is unlikely, but in my heart I fear that there is no way we can truly remove all traces of our defilement.

The corpses I burned, using my scorching burst magic, and the charred remains we buried in Planet beneath a layer of xenofungus, a ways from the monolith itself -- even if cultist searchers do scour this place, they will not be certain that their fellows died and died here. Or so I tell myself.

DAY TWO, predawn. We continue on foot through the night. In the starlight, the fungal stalks seem to sway of their own accord -- at times I think I can see them growing, moving, extending towards us as we hike over the hills. I start at shadows -- twice we have panicked, and I cast and re-cast a light cantrip, hoping to catch some enemy in the dark. At times the ground rumbles beneath us, and we are sore afraid, but there is nothing we can do.

As I write this: far to the north, faint in the distance, I hear something go >pop!< Many somethings, in fact -- the sounds of distant explosions, perhaps some foreign weather event or battle between Yang's people and the fungus? Throg and Rogash claimed to hear nothing, though Grog agreed he could hear the strange distant thunderclaps. Rogash lit a sunrod, one of only four we brought on our expedition, and I think he was irritated either at me or himself or both for wasting it on what proved to be nothing, or at least, nothing we could immediately affect. The red sun will rise soon, and with luck this night will have passed without further incident.

DAY TWO, gloaming. Alas, I spoke too soon, for even now we sit, recuperating from an ambush. Fortunately none of us were seriously wounded, but nevertheless the event has us all rattled. As we trod across a field of fungus (the stalks springing back where we stepped on them, released tiny clouds of earthy-smelling spores which clings to our pants and boots) hands suddenly rose from the dark, and hauled us down while lifting themselves up. It was a half-dozen poor souls we presume must have strayed from Yang's camp, for they were the burly jackal-men called "sibeccai" which rumor places as a sizable fraction of his followers. Sibeccai are far more burly than the anatomical drawings I have seen led me to expect, or perhaps it is some strange effect of the fungus which infested their organ systems (centered, as we saw yesterday, in a mother-of-pearl deposit at the base of the skull). For indeed they were in the thrall of whatever evil intelligence controls the bizarre fungal monsters that have assaulted us, and coordinated their ambush with yet another species.

These worm-spitters were large spheroid masses of tubelike growth, coated with a slime mold: thoroughly disgusting. They belched forth slimy missiles composed of a layer of resin hardened around a payload of a swarm of the dreadful mindworms -- similiar to those which attacked Valley before the outset of our expedition, but more mobile. The only blessing when faced with such aberrations is the knowledge that it seems fully half of these mindworm payloads are not viable and expire immediately upon bursting open. The other half, sadly, does remain a viable boil, which attacks without remorse.

We retrieved the Planetpearls from the poor sibeccai and the worm-spitters (the two from the spitters were odd rod-shaped things), and debated salvaging their armor (they fought unarmed, but we found a number of battle-axes in the fungus) but decided the appropriate action was to bear their bodies back to Yang's camp. In Valley we take care of our own; surely Yang's people are the same, and once we explain about the ambush and the fungus which robbed these good men of their reason, our gesture will be appreciated.

DAY TWO, midmorning. After hours of arduous labor dragging the six huge bodies home to their families and community (we ended up making a sort of sled from their armor and some oddments; I have a new appreciation for the considerable brute strength of Throg, Grog, and Rogash) we have arrived at what must surely be Yang's camp. Though camp is perhaps the wrong word: we have followed a trail up the side of a tall hill (one free of the fungus) and found a pair of heavy steel doors set into the cliffside. Rogash, whom we agreed should speak for our group, knocked on the doors, and they have opened.

Within, a contingent of massive sibeccai serving as guards are led by a single dragonborn, who seemed distracted as he asked who we were and what we wanted. He told us he would send for "Advisor Shion," and we were to wait outside. Then he closed the door on us.

DAY TWO, noonish. We continue to wait for word from within. I imagine our arrival has caused some excitement; perhaps Yang and this Shion are debating with their comrades how best to greet us. Although, having paced outside for at least an hour, I begin to wonder whether there might be some more sinister reason for this delay. In particular I note the massive size of those sibeccai guards. The people of Valley are hard-working, and while I am a savant, and one of the puniest race to boot (humans being smaller than dragonborn or bugbears) I nevertheless can recognize the signs of a hard-working laborer. What we saw (Rogash, Throg, and Grog all agree with me) on those sibeccai was nothing of that sort. They were larger even than the poor souls whose bodies we recovered (which bodies, I note, Yang's people still have not accepted from us); surely such a swelling of musculature can only be unnatural.

DAY TWO, night. Just twenty hours ago I wrote that nothing I saw of Yang's camp could shock me after that eldritch monolith. I now know that was a lie, for I have seen Yang's paradise. I have seen hell. They call their He calls his settlement Mountain, but I name it the Hive. The walls have ears; I fear to write more now. Soon.
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Planet: A Survivalist's Guide (1 of N as they say) [Nov. 2nd, 2008|09:02 pm]
Man has killed man from the beginning of time, and each new frontier has brought new ways and new places to die. Why should the future be different?

DAY ONE, morning. Yesterday's spore launcher attack only underscores the urgency of our mission. With Commander Zhauronn incapacitated, Valley lacks the strong leadership which has been so crucial to our survival these past thirty years. Colonel Santiaggro's decision to order out a third expeditionary force could not have been an easy one, but with steeled resolve we bid our loved ones farewell and ventured north over the rolling hills towards the rumored colony led by the great general Yang. The hills show more of the fungal life that only in pathces covers the plains to the east of Valley, but Zarakhov's sending indicated Yang's camp was to the north (or so I am told). It is slow going as we venture forward.

I cannot shake a certain sense of dread; from the first expedition, twenty-nine years ago, only twenty percent of the scout teams returned to Valley, and none returned from the second expedition. Who knows what terrors we might face?

DAY ONE, noonish. While pressing through the fungal wilderness, we encountered our first group of hostiles. Apparently once humanoid, these wretches had swathed themselves in crude clothing made from pressed fungal stalks, and fallen under the sway of a massive growth, a large boil of the xenofungus I dub the mindstealer, for as we engaged it and its minions the monster stole our enemies and used our own spells and techniques against us! Fortunately the mindstealer seemed more vulnerable to my psychic spells than most creatures. Along with its power to magically extract our memories and magic, which it used sparingly, the mindstealer exhibited the power to swipe at melee combatants with its gigantic maw (why a fungus has a maw I don't know).

More worrisome perhaps were the thing's poor minions. While I have never seen any of Toril-That-Was's native humanoid lifeforms other than humans, dragonborn, and bugbears, I have studied the anatomical diagrams left behind by our departed savants, and I can confidently state these were no dwarves, elves, halflings, tieflings, eldadrin, goblins, orcs, hobgoblins, or shadar-kai. Their bodies were pink and hairless, with a surprising lack of differentiation -- I saw five of these mutons, and they might have been identical quintuplets. Further, they resisted my psychic assaults. Each was nearly seven feet tall, built heavier than a typical human but leaner than a typical bugbear. Though their bodies were clearly humanoid, much of their organs and innards appeared to have been replaced by fungal constructions, centered on a highly magical pearlescent orb lodged in the base of the muton's brain. We collected these pearls -- and a slightly larger, bowl-shaped object deep inside the mindstealer's innards. Though most of the mutons went down easily, I saw them rise again, knitting themselves together from the very stuff of Planet, and attack again. It was simple enough to lodge an axe in these zombies' brains, but I can only hope this property is not shared by more dangerous examples of the fungal life.

It's disturbing to imagine these wretched creatures, and this dangerous fungoid monster, so close to Valley. Have the forces of Planet established a perimeter hemming us in, one we're just now penetrating?


DAY ONE, afternoon. In the distance, while pressing through the fungal wilderness, we espied a group of three mutons accompanied by two quadrupedal entities I could not even attempt to recognize at that distance -- smaller than a bugbear, as large as an unusually small human perhaps. We gave them a wide birth, remembering Zhauronn's instructions.

I wonder: are these humanoids native to this Planet, or are they interlopers like us? Something in me leans towards the latter hypothesis, but I have no reason to be certain. In a visceral way I despise them.


DAY ONE, evening. By all the dead gods of Toril-That-Was, I cannot fathom this.

We have stumbled upon an artificial structure the likes of which I have never seen. In the center of a deep bowl-like depression in the landscape, perhaps two hundred feet deep, we have found a stone obelisk easily one hundred and fifty feet high, perhaps fifty feet square at its base. The exterior is alternately smooth and covered with fine carvings which seem to depict examples of the native life -- fungal stalks and such. The fungus covering the ground of the crater is unusually tough and fine; Rogash had difficulty ripping off a hunk. About a third of the way up, each of the four faces of the obelisk shows a shallow indentation which appears to be a different type of stone than the single huge block of the rest of the obelisk. There appear no other entrances. Throg is going to attempt to climb the obelisk

(Later) After several minutes of attempt, the slick stone of the obelisk seems to prove too much for Throg -- but a door has opened up on one side, perhaps as a result of his handling of the monolith? We examined that wall before and saw no door, but truly now there is a passage. Within, however, there is only another wall: mortared stones, lighter and of a different type than the monolith itself, wholly blocking what may be a passage leading inward.

(Later still) Throg has smashed down the wall with his great maul, and we can see inside. Within the monolith there is a single large chamber, reaching upwards as far as my light-magic can illume, with only a shallow depression less than ten feet in diameter marking the inside. We investigated, but as soon as we stepped onto the depression crossbows popped out of alcoves high up in the walls and began spitting bolts towards us -- apparently traps are not the lost technology we in Valley have assumed? Throg was wounded by the bolts, and we feared the worst, but it was only a flesh wound. He'll sleep well tonight. Grog and I examined the bolts we pulled from him -- they are made from fungal stalks, hardened in some manner foreign to me.

(Later still) By throwing rocks onto the depression, Grog was able to induce something new to happen: the depression began to sink into the floor. It is a sort of elevator-platform. We leapt onto the platform and lay among the rocks, trying to avoid the hail of bolts which spewed from the hidden crossbows above and succeeding only partially.

Beneath the monolith we discovered a hidden chamber featuring a strange "altar" in the form of a translucent pipe of xenofungal mass, through whick a red-black bile flowed out onto the floor and then out of the chamber through a concealed drain, making a puddle. The puddle was protected by an odd clear membrane which we did not disturb (fearing the worst). Before we investigated further, we were set upon by a pair of shadar-kai -- the first refugees from Toril-That-Was we have yet encountered!

The meeting did not go well. The shadar-kai accused us of blasphemy (though surely none of the dead gods of Toril-That-Was care what we say or think in this thrice-cursed Planet) and asserted we would not long live after defiling the "blood of Planet." We fought, and we did indeed nearly die, but at last one of the shadar-kai "Planet cultists" was dead and the other captured. The captured cultist proved a mad fanatic, unwilling to explain anything or answer any of our questions, even under threat of death. Finally, sickened by his ranting, Ragosh bashed his brains in and we confiscated their gear, which was in many ways superior to our own (for instance, much of it is magical, and actual magic, not the strange faded magic of the supposed magic-items from Toril-That-Was which we have for use as tradegoods). You own nothing you cannot defend, by force as necessary.

Along with two suits of magical leather armor, two pairs of funguswalker boots, and two amulets of neural amplification we recovered two small bags of Planetpearls -- perhaps the cultists use these for currency? -- as well as their strange shadar-kai "spiked chain" weapon and a magical greatsword. We also found a ritual book, containing two rituals I have never seen before "item-weave" and "Planet-bond." On Toril-That-Was, magical items took their strength from some sort of magical telluric energy network called "the Weave," or so I am told -- could this ritual contain the secret to restoring our defunct magical relics? More study is needed.


DAY ONE, night. After our battle with the cultists, we discovered a tunnel leading a short distance from the "blood of Planet" room to a dead-end we could not open or penetrate. Leaving the monolith to camp for the night, we discovered that though we had rested for only a little while within it, we felt as invigorated as if we had rested for an extended period, with sleep and everything. I myself am certain I could cast Phantom Chasm again if need be; could this be the "holiness" the cultists had spoken of?

Thus revitalized I have had a revelation: I can use the largest Planetpearl, the deformed and bowl-shaped one, as a focus for my magic. I will need to affix it to my implement for it to work properly, but...

Tomorrow, we should reach Yang's camp. I cannot begin to guess what or who we will find there. At this point I would not be shocked by anything.
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(no subject) [Jul. 8th, 2008|10:49 am]
The Illegal Artist was just outside, at the bus stop, making the sort of face you make when you don’t smoke and therefore can’t be nonchalantly smoking to indicate how you aren’t in the least rattled by the sudden appearance of a crone.

Why a crone? Let me fill you in on the Illegal Artist, one-time savior of humanity: she hates crones. Throw her a call to adventure and wrap it in a crone, and you can be guaranteed she'll refuse that call. This tendency of hers isn't exactly well-known, for she is a private citizen and her Wikipedia page was nominated for deletion on notability grounds, plus it was mainly just spurious rumors about her invented by Super Lucky one rainy Sunday afternoon when the liquor stores were all closed, so it wouldn't have told anyone about the crone thing anyways.

This sort of thing happens to the Illegal Artist all the time, nowadays: strangers show up, sometimes with jeweled daggers sticking out of their backs, gasping for air as with their final breaths they command her to seek the silver monkey, or solve the oil crisis, or rescue the abducted love child of Michael Jackson, Monica Lewinsky, and Victor Deli. She always ignores them, and she always pretends she isn't rattled, and she's always rattled.

The first time it happened she was at the Super Lucky, with Super Lucky, and Super Lucky was emptying a lint trap and the caked-on lint had formed in the shape of a map of the state of Kentucky with a glowing red dot (it turned out to be a little red LED with a watch battery doohickey that had maybe fallen off of someone's keychain) somewhere in the middle. Super Lucky tried to use Mapquest to work out exactly where the red spot was (Gainesville, it turned out) when a crone showed up.

This was a different crone, a mustachioed and shawl-wearing senior citizen with a ratty Lyndon LaRouche for President t-shirt. She (or possibly he, let's go with he to minimize pronoun confusion) claimed to be the Illegal Artist's long-lost undergraduate advisor, which didn't jibe with the Illegal Artist's lack of college education, and had already started to intone some syllables of dark prophecy (despite the Illegal Artist asked him/her to stop) when a mysterious assailant in a red jogging suit shot a dart into his neck with a blowgun. The assailant then fled. Super Lucky made like she was going to chase after him, but didn't, while the Illegal Artist just glared at the crone with the dart sticking out of his neck as he slumped over and gurgled.

"I don't do that any more," the Illegal Artist told the prone crone. "I am done with the whole vision-quest, time travel, secret magic, Alex Jackass Pizza thing. I mean come on," she sniffed, "you could at least have presented it as performance art or something."

Super Lucky eventually called an ambulance, because she didn't want a corpse stinking up her laundromat, but by the time the paramedics got there the crone had dissolved back into old RC Cola cans and shredded newspaper stuffed in garbage bags, and she'd gotten a fine for frivolous antics.

The second time a mysterious figure showed up to demand the Illegal Artist go on a pointless quest of indeterminate purpose to save humanity in some way, it went a little better, but not much. The second figure was a naked young bodybuilder who hid in the suspended ceiling of the public library where the Illegal Artist got her discarded children's books (she used them in a variety of art projects) and dropped floppily down on her.

After the Illegal Artist had hit him a few times with a copy of the one-volume edition of the Berenstein Bears Encyclopedia (weighing in at about twenty pounds) he managed to get out that he was a performance artist on the run from the RIAA because he had used the phrase "if everybody dances now" as part of his performance, and they claimed it was an illegal use of the copyrighted lyric "everybody dance now," despite being part of a longer poem on the topic of spousal abuse and having no musical content at all.

This part got the Illegal Artist's attention for a few minutes at least, as did the bodybuilder's claim that his nudism was also part of an ongoing protest piece indicting the garment industry for the plight of Taiwanese factory workers, but then he started going on about Antarctic Space Nazis, and she ditched him.

The less said about the third through fifth attempts to rope her back into the esoteric world of gods and monsters and magic, the better; suffice to say that they learned the wrong lessons from their highly limited success in the second attempt.
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(no subject) [Jul. 7th, 2008|12:47 pm]
Four time zones away, the Illegal Artist was trying to watch television. It wasn't easy, and not because the program wasn't engrossing. She didn't own an television and could watch it from the driveway outside a neighbor's window, while that neighbor had their television set on and facing the street, with a window open or at least not blocked by drapes. Thus watching television meant trespassing, craning her neck, and focusing on a distant and partially obscured object while ignoring more local stimuli, without getting arrested or run over. This wasn't the reason she was having trouble, though.

"I can't hold you up!" Lisa-Marie said, as if it wasn't already perfectly obvious. She strained and rocked back and forth and grunted, her arms wrapped around the Illegal Artist's waist. "You're too fat! Quit being so fat!"

The Illegal Artist ignored Lisa-Marie's ill-considered words – the problem wasn't the Illegal Artist's generous figure, it was the fact that Lisa-Marie needed both hands to heft a gallon of milk. "I get that. Stop trying," the Illegal Artist told Lisa-Marie, who did.

"It's no good," she continued. "They've got a couch or something in front of the window, you can't see the TV from this angle except the very top. I can see Wolf Blitzer's hair, but that's it."

Lisa-Marie craned her neck, but as she was a foot and a half shorter than the Illegal Artist, she couldn't see any of Wolf Blitzer at all. "Maybe you could lift me?" she suggested.

"No, no, no, screw it. Back inside. Internet." The Illegal Artist was halfway across the street, towards her own apartment building, when Lisa-Marie reminded her that it was lack of wifi signal that had pushed them into the neighbor's-driveway plan in the first place.

"Internet," the Illegal Artist said again, as if she hadn't heard Lisa-Marie and was herself coming up with a clever new plan. She was almost hit by a car, because she was still standing in the middle of the street. "Coffee shop! Grab the laptop, we'll try the coffee shop."

Lisa-Marie rolled her eyes. "Which one? Starbucks, Brewing Trouble, the other Starbucks over by Mister Espresso, Mister Espresso... I mean they are all full of people and laptops already pretty much."

"We'll try them all," the Illegal Artist said grandly. "And if it's possible we'll stand on the sidewalk outside and poach their wifi without buying any coffee."

The closest coffee shop (the Starbucks Lisa-Marie had mentioned first) was only a couple of blocks away, but its wifi required registration codes and besides it was, as Lisa-Marie had predicted, already at capacity with several unemployed hipsters standing around holding laptops waiting for a chance to sit. They moved on to Brewing Trouble, Mister Espresso, Annie's Hammocks, Liberally Caffeinated, Coffee Tea, and finally settled on Omar, a coffee shop two towns over with free wireless and a wholly non-punny name. Also one butch barista, walls painted the color of plums, some old Scrabble sets, and a small boom-box with a tape playing "Leonard Cohen – More Best Of" on a continuous loop.

Due to its relative distance from business centers and lack of foot traffic, plus the Leonard Cohen, they had no trouble finding a table near an electric socket. Lisa-Marie ordered a mocha, plugged in her laptop, started it up, blah blah blah internet blah blah blah. Soon enough they were engrossed by the streaming video on CNN.com.

"This is Jet Wineheart reporting live from Las Vegas, Nevada, where there is still no word on the hostage crisis here at the Treasures of Alexander the Great." The boyish brown newsreader gestured with a flip of his manicured hand to the casino resort behind him. A crawl at the bottom of the screen informed viewers that the segment had been pre-recorded, and also that more information was available at CNN.com. "Authorities have been very tight-lipped and very secretive about the affair, but we know that a phone call took place between the hostage-takers and the police just a few moments ago. No word on what their demands are, but we do know that at least thirty people are trapped inside the building, have been for more than four hours now. Men, women, vacationers, Mexicans..."

As Jet babbled, the streaming video cut away to file footage of the Treasures of Alexander the Great casino, including helicopter shots of the exterior and banks of slot machines inside.

"Oh, my, holy, God," Lisa-Marie said, taking a full second to pause between each word. She dug into her purse and pulled out her cell phone, and tried calling Super Lucky again.

It occurred to the Illegal Artist, in a flash, that maybe Super Lucky was in the midst of escaping stealthily from the hostage-takers, and that she hadn't thought to turn off her phone, and that when Lisa-Marie called her, her phone would ring and give away her position and the terrorists, whoever they were, would shoot her. She didn't say anything.

"...It went straight to voicemail," Lisa-Marie reported a moment later. She didn't leave a message.
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(no subject) [Jul. 6th, 2008|11:44 pm]
Sloppy, he would have been the second to admit, after someone had called him on it. Nevertheless it did the job: the door opened would have swung inward if the doorframe weren't slightly warped from the humidity. As it was, all he had to do was push.



Four time zones away, the Illegal Artist was trying to watch television. It wasn't easy, and not because the program wasn't engrossing. She didn't own an television and could watch it only by standing in the street outside a neighbor's window, in their driveway, while that neighbor had their television set on and facing the street, with a window open or at least not blocked by drapes. Thus watching television meant trespassing, craning her neck, and focusing on a distant and partially obscured object while ignoring more local stimuli, without getting arrested or run over. This wasn't the reason she was having trouble, though.

"I can't believe you don't own a TV," said Super Lucky. "What kind of person doesn't own a TV? Are you even part of this country? Do you know who the President is? Do you know who your Congressperson is? Do you know if you're in Coca-Cola country or Pepsi-Cola territory? Do you realize to what extent I'm being sarcastic and how in fact I'm like halfway serious even about the Coke thing no now that I continue to think about it I am totally serious about the Coke thing! Gretch! Gretch! Gretch!"

Super Lucky was the reason she was having trouble. The Illegal Artist might have told Super Lucky not to call her Gretch, which even when she had been named Gretchen had been her least-favorite diminutive nickname, but Super Lucky's innate obnoxiousness meant she'd have been stuck using it even more. On the one hand, we none of us choose the social roles we're forced into, but on the other hand, being an ass didn't have to define Super Lucky; she allowed it to define her deliberately, as otherwise she might be defined merely as a clinically immortal biological simulacrum of Ally Sheedy circa the Breakfast Club.

"Shut up!" the Illegal Artist hissed. "I'm trying to hear the thing, shut up."

Super Lucky shut up and left the Illegal Artist's field of vision. Specifically she went across the street into the Illegal Artist's apartment building, up the stairs, and into the Illegal Artist's apartment, where she turned on her laptop and searched for a wireless signal. Inside the Illegal Artist's apartment she could pick up seven different sources, but six of them were locked and the seventh, she knew from experience, was too weak for streaming video.

She carried the laptop, and two beers, back out of the Illegal Artist's apartment and back across the street to the Illegal Artist, who was scowling (as she so often did). "I can't tell what they're watching," the Illegal Artist said when she got back. "It's not news after all. I think it's one of those shows about someone who's famous for no reason and how pampered their life is. They don't have closed captioning on, the animals."

Super Lucky took this as an opportunity to explain to the Illegal Artist why closed captioning was a scourge upon the American people, which group of people the Illegal Artist was in danger of losing her membership status in on account of she didn't own a television, while she searched again for a wireless signal.

"Here we go," she said a few moments later, interrupting herself in the middle of a rant about how vital plot points were often obscured by the unnecessarily large black blocks around the letters. "I thought hey, maybe there's free wireless over here --"

"Unsecured wireless," corrected the Illegal Artist, who was well aware of the various court decisions which had effectively criminalized the use of unsecured wifi without permission, or at least placed its legal status in doubt. "Anything?"

"Yeah yeah it's connecting to DEATH_TO_HOMERFISHES," answered Super Lucky. She sat down in the driveway with the laptop in her lap.

"You should google it," said the Illegal Artist. "Or give it here, I'll do it."

"I know how to use a damn browser, and it's my laptop," Super Lucky said, genuinely surprised that the Illegal Artist would want to take it from her.

"Yeah, but you wouldn't use google as a verb," said the Illegal Artist.

"I will use the Google brand search engine to find the data which I am seeking," announced Super Lucky, but first she checked her email.

The Illegal Artist's scowl persisted as she picked up one of the beers Super Lucky had brought out, but when she realized she was drinking it outdoors in public she felt a little better. "Normal people get their information from the internet anyway, I don't know why I have to see it on the television. In fact," she decided, "I'm going inside."

"Bup bup bup bup bup," said Super Lucky. "Here we go." She flipped the laptop around and bathed the Illegal Artist in its glow.
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(no subject) [Jul. 6th, 2008|02:07 pm]
"Shurr," the aging hippie said. "We take cash."

"That’s sweet," said Alex Pizza without thinking. "Cash is sweet."

"Yuh-huh, shurr," the hippie said again. He stuck out his palm and smiled blandly.

Alex Pizza opened his wallet and took a quick inventory. Seven charge cards (including three different VISAs); five of his "Secret Agent to the Stars" business cards; his pharmacist's license, driver's license, and fishing license; a small bundle of receipts for his expense account; five thousand Confederate dollars, four thousand Soviet rubles, three thousand GDR marks, two thousand Lucky Ducky Fun Bucks, and twenty crisp hundred-dollar bills. Reluctantly, he skipped over the Fun Bucks and pulled out US$1100.

The hippie smiled so genially Alex Pizza half-expected him to lurch forward and try to initiate a hug, which might have become a headlock and then the woman in the hajib could have pulled out a golf club or machete or lightsaber and beaten him bloody and popped the trunk of the rental car and all the hippie did was take the money and count it and thank Alex Pizza. He and his presumed wife climbed in their minivan and drove off down the coin-paved road back into the static world.

"His presumed wife." Alex Pizza could have climbed into the hippie's skin and rooted through his subconscious eighteen different ways. Tibetan song-dancing, Lakotan wolf-thought, Swiss offensive meditation: any of these would have told Alex Pizza everything he might have wanted to know about the relationship between the two hippies, about their political views, about their criminal and financial histories, about their diets, about where they were born and where they would die.

For that matter, he could have used his theurgical skills to shift a few femtoseconds forwards or backwards in time, evading the hippies without losing access to their summer cabin. He could have eaten a few fruits of the tree of the white lotus, and left his basal body behind and ventured into the astral, there to form a summer cabin out of his own brainpower or (if it suited him) out of brainpower borrowed from any of the sensitives, that class of 0.01% of the population (only about six hundred seventy thousand people scattered across the globe) whose psychic defenses were crippled due to early-childhood haruspication accidents. And in such a summer cabin of the mind, being a purely psychic construct, the flow of time becomes purely subjective, with minutes becoming days or weeks; surely the ideal feature for a young wizard seeking to write the Great American Novel.

But no, Alex Pizza reflected, shaking his head as he watched the coin-paved street ripple up into the gloomy halfsky, no, no, no. Down that road lies confusion and madness and the next thing you know you're hosting a late-night infomercial and obsessively defending your creative decisions in online forums using a series of sock puppets. Better, he thought, to do it the hard and normal way, the mundane way, as if he were a disaffected college dropout instead of California's second-most-powerful warlock.

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply in and out, three times, focusing on the internal fire of his totem element, magnesium, and let the stress and paranoia drift out of his body and into a baseball-sized cloud over his head. For a moment he considered forcing the paranoia into a mustard jar. Such a jar would be suitable for bottling up all his anxieties; within it, he could form a self-sustaining ecosystem of self-loathing and -pity, and never lack for self-destructive impulses to shower psychically upon his enemies.

Instead he stepped out from beneath the dark cloud, ignored it while it slowly dissolved, and turned his attention to the summer cabin. It was a cube of dark brown wood, heavy hewn logs mortared together with window-holes sawed into each wall and stuffed with prefabricated pop-in non-glass panes. Access to the interior was controlled by a single rusty metal door apparently salvaged from some long-abandoned fallout shelter, and it was the heavy brass lock on this door which matched the key the hippie had pressed into Alex Pizza's hand.

He lifted the key towards the lock, and stopped. Something was wrong: his opened eyes detected a discrepancy between the ontological ground-state of the lock and that of the key. It wouldn't fit the lock, he predicted. Regardless of whether the notches in the key matched the pins in the lock, they were a mismatch on the astral plane. He tried the key anyway; it was what a mundane frustrated writer would have done.

No good. Either the hippie had erred and given him the wrong key, or the chaotic environment out here on the very bordermarches of the country, had warped the lock or the key or both. If the former was the case, Alex Pizza knew, he should go back to the nominal civilization of Buffalo and demand the proper key. In the latter, a normal person would be out of luck, and limited to smashing a plasticized window.

Alex Pizza weighed his options, and decided it would be acceptable to cheat. He tried the key in the lock again, this time reaching out with his "fetch" and forcing the pins down. He didn't try to fool it into thinking the key was doing the work, trusting that in the event they tracked him here and searched the cabin, they wouldn't think to interrogate the door's lock.

Sloppy, he would have been the second to admit, after someone had called him on it.
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(no subject) [Jul. 5th, 2008|10:51 pm]
Ten miles out of Buffalo, where the glass starts to melt and the sky bleeds down into the ocean, where you’re right on the edge of not being able to distinguish ten and two (it’s all going 10 10 10 10 10), where the reds and blues and yellows bleed into the purples and oranges and greens like someone’s been screwing with the tint and color settings, where they send up signal flares to make sure you don’t just wander across the border and if you ignore the signal flares they send up MIRV warheads, where decent people don’t go, that is where Alex Pizza went to write his Great American Novel.

He rented a cabin from a wild-eyed couple of aging hippies. He had a thick Canadian accent that sometimes slipped away into Kansas – plainly a man who hadn’t known when to quit dodging, and drank too much maple liqueur and fried cheese than is healthy. She spoke not at all, choosing instead to stand behind him and glare with bloodshot eyes at their prospective lodger. The eyes were all of her that Alex Pizza could see; the rest was hidden behind layers and layers of ratty t-shirts. She (or someone else) had stitched the t-shirts together into a makeshift hijab, then tie-dyed with a color scheme that matched the “hot” CGA palette: mustard, lime, and brick.

“Keep a steady hand on the tiller,” the old hippie told Alex Pizza. He scratched himself with one hand while the other pressed a single key into Alex Pizza’s hand. “And don’t try to use the heater, it’s July and anyway we took out the element.”

She clucked her tongue, but Alex Pizza couldn’t tell whether she was disapproving of him for mentioning the heater at all, or of removing the element, or of the prospect of wastefully heating the great muddy outdoors in midsummer, or if she just didn’t like Alex Pizza.

“I’ll treat the cabin like it was my own mother,” said Alex Pizza, hoping to reassure her that he would be a pleasant tenant. Postmenopausal women frightened Alex Pizza on an instinctual level he wasn’t even fully conscious of; they reminded him of his own incipient mortality, and he always took pains to curry their favor. “Or failing that, an aunt.”

The second time she clucked her tongue, no reasonable observer could have suspected her disapproval was aimed at anyone but Alex Pizza.

“Better still, my sister,” continued Alex Pizza, breezily, as if paranoia from the ganja in the trunk of his car (he hadn’t lit up yet, but years of meditative training had rendered him preternaturally sensitive to his own incipient mood swings; he also becomes melancholy just before watching costume dramas and giddily excited immediately prior to his own surprise parties) hadn’t already wrapped itself around his brainstem and started to whisper rumors of war into his ears. “My beloved sister, and my mother too, and my mother’s sister. All three of them, together, incarnate as a summer cabin, o what a joy that would be…” He realized he was in danger of babbling, and trailed off into what he hoped was a grandly casual gesture, a wave hello at the glowing happy future.

“Shurr,” the aging hippie said. “We take cash.”

“That’s sweet,” said Alex Pizza without thinking. “Cash is sweet.”
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STARS 45 [Jun. 12th, 2008|09:49 pm]
[Tags|]

Tasha takes out her handheld electronic plaything, which might be a telephone and might allow her to send telegraphic messages to her friends, but she flips it closed again a half-second after opening it, and stuffs it back into a pocket.

“So we were on our way back from the party,” Tasha begins. She names some streets – Templar Street and Ben Stiller Avenue? And she starts to repeat her story about the Omz, but you interrupt and ask about Angie and the extent to which you and she look alike.

Tasha pulls out her device and wriggles her fingers against it, and she’s pressing the backlit LCD-looking screen (which for all you know is powered by the souls of the dead) towards your face. On it, a weirdly flat image flickers, showing Tasha and another girl – you revise your estimate of their ages to the high side of under 21 –tightly embracing and mugging for the camera. They’ve pulled up their shirts revealing their bellies and Angie (the one who isn’t Tasha) appears to have a star drawn in marker on her left cheek and the word Hott! on her right cheek.

You squint at the picture for a second, then look at Tasha with as much skepticism as you can muster. “She looks nothing like me,” you say. “She’s years younger, tan, and I don’t write advertisements for my… self… on my cheeks.”

Tasha freaks out a little, but controls herself as best she can, with minimal tear-leakage. “I don’t know,” she whines, “your wig is just like her wig.”

You don’t remind Tasha that you aren’t wearing a wig, because you don’t want her to start sobbing again. “Okay,” you tell her. “It’s okay. When the accident happened, what happened?”

Tasha gestures vaguely. “I don’t know! There was a noise and it went like a wham with the thing.”

“Who hit who? Was the other car in front of you or behind?”

“In front,” Tasha says after thinking for a second. “In front. The Omz got out and the pedro got out… he was wearing a white t-shirt…”

“Were there other people in the car besides you and the Omz and Angie?”

“No, no, it was just us. We were going back to the Hut after the party,” Tasha says with the frustrated whine of someone who believes she has given you all this information and more many times already.

“And Angie was hurt, so what happened then?”

“I told you! The Omz and the pedro wanted to stay stay, so the pedro said he would take Angie to the hospital.”

“What did he actually say? Did he say ‘the hospital?’”

Tasha rolls her eyes. “I don’t remember! I thought it was this hospital, and it wasn’t and and she won’t pick up and I thought you were her and I was SO relieved…”

“Did he say ‘Citrus Valley Research Clinic?’ What made you come here?” You don’t want to lose patience with the girl, but it’s getting harder.

“The Omz dropped me off here, I thought he knew where it was, he and the pedro were talking and he said he was going to have to go because the ride would get towed if he left it because of the hospital zone so I came in here and I asked and he –“ she gestures towards the still-snoring man, “he said visiting hours were over and he didn’t know any Angela Barge or any girls but that if I waited I could talk to someone in the morning and I waited and I waited and then I thought I saw you –“

“Okay, okay, okay.” You say it three times, hoping it’ll sink in. “Okay. Do you have the Omz’s number?”

Tasha looks at you like you’re stupid. “He’s not going to pick up.” But she hands you her device, and when it’s clear you have no idea how it works, she takes it back and wriggles her thumbs at it and then announces that it’s ringing.

Actually it goes straight to voicemail. “Yeah you know you know,” says some idiot frat-boy-sounding voice, way too loud to be coming out of something so small, and then there’s a familiar beep.

Tasha flips the device closed before you can speak. She looks at you expectantly.

“What you need,” you tell her, “is…”


What Tasha needs is...
"Breakfast"
"Sleep"
"Someone's parents"
"The police"
"Prayer"
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

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SHATNER BREAK [Jun. 4th, 2008|07:26 pm]
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STARS 44 [May. 24th, 2008|10:15 pm]
[Tags|]

>WAVE AT STRANGER

Which stranger, the sleeping man or the cosplaying woman?

>WOMAN

You wave back at the stranger, in a friendly manner which would make your mother proud. She beckons you over to her as she rises to her feet and stuffs her little electronic video game gizmo into a pocket.

>GO TO WOMAN
(North.)

You step around the countertop and out of view of the television personality, who remains trapped inside the small portable television set. As you walk around him, he grimaces at you and for an instant his mask of self-loathing-barely-masquerading-as-self-assured-confidence drops away and he fixes you with a look of naked need. Or maybe you're reading too much into his facial expressions; barring some strange miracle he can't even see you, after all. Still, you feel a pang of guilt at leaving him alone and friendless in his cathode ray tube, with no company except an off-camera studio audience which might just be prerecorded.

"Oh, Angie!" says the cosplaying woman as you approach. She raises her arms and embraces you before you could possibly react. "Thank Jeebus I was so worried they wouldn't tell me anything and I didn't even know where you were and I am going to fucking kill the Omz I mean come on I am so so glad you are okay."

>EXAMINE WOMAN

Girl, really. She's significantly younger than you had thought at first; you wouldn't want to bet that she had graduated high school or could vote or drink, though anything's possible. Her April O'Neil costume is tight in some places and loose in others, which you take to be a sign not of a desire for a totally faithful representation of the character, nor of a prurient interest in titillating men with strange clothes, and but rather of the work of a seamstress more enthusiastic than skilled. The costume jumpsuit has what looks like a large coffee stain on the lap, and there are a few bits of dry dead grass in her dyed hair.

"So the Omz had to go because the car was going to get towed," the false April O'Neil continues, "but I can call him and he'll come and oh thank JEEBUS you are okay I was really worried." She's still hugging you.

>EXIT

You eye the hospital doors wistfully, but you cannot move while faux-April has her arms around you. That'd just be rude.

>ASK APRIL TO RELEASE ME

I only understood you so far as wanting to ask April.

>APRIL, LET GO OF ME

The costumed girl seems nonplussed by your request (possibly she and the woman she has mistaken you for embrace one another often and for long periods of time) but she relents. "What's up?" she asks you. "Are you okay? Do you need something?"

>TELL APRIL ABOUT ME

At first she thinks you're trying to be funny, but after you raise your voice in frustration, the false April O'Neil appears to accept that you are not this mysterious Angie woman.

("You mean that's your real hair and not Angie's wig?" she asks dubiously, and tugs on your hair experimentally. When you wince and your scalp doesn't fall easily away from your skull, the false April seems to give your claims of non-Angieness much more credence.)

"But then, omigod, where's Angie?" The false April's eye brim with tears, and you are not unmoved. You set her down on one of the benches and reassure her as best you can.

You find out her real name is Tasha, and she and Angie and a boy or man named "the Omz" (which is obviously a nickname of some kind but who has the patience?) were coming home from a costume party when they were in some kind of automobile accident. To your immense relief, the timeline doesn't match up with your own accident at all; you were already asleep upstairs when their accident happened. Somebody, either the Omz (who was driving the car Angie and Tasha were in) or the driver of the other car, was eager to avoid legal entanglements, which was unfortunate as Angie had cut her head open in the accident and was bleeding a great deal. Tasha and the Omz and the others (Tasha is vague as to whether there were other people in the Omz's car, or several people in the other vehicle) were only superficially hurt, but Angie made a fuss about her head wound.

You can sympathize.

The driver of the other vehicle, apparently, had taken Angie to the ER (of this hospital, apparently) as part of some kind of teenage alcohol omerta and general agreement not to tell anyone real names or call anyone's parents. Tasha and the Omz arrived here later, in the Omz's car, but then the Omz claimed his car would be towed and he drove off leaving Tasha alone to sit and wait for several hours.

Tasha mistook you for Angie largely because of your hair; Angie was in costume as some anime character you've never heard of whose hairstyle looks a lot like yours after you've had a minor concussion and gone to sleep with wet hair and made zero attempt to brush it.

When you point out that you don't appear to be in an emergency room, and that to the best of your very limited knowledge this is a research hospital that might not even have an emergency room, Tasha bursts into tears.

>I

You are carrying:
some clean clothes (being worn)
a pair of sneakers (being worn)
no sylphs
Tasha (disraught and unable to be left alone)
your overnight bag

Your overnight bag contains:
some dirty clothes
your toothbrush and suchlike
the keys to your rental car
an American Numismatics Museum souvenir postcard
your wallet
a letter from the Mrs. Leeds Applesauce Powdermilk Wal-Mart Cookie Contest Committee

>EXAMINE POSTCARD

Marian the librarian wrote her contact information on it.

>EXAMINE NO SYLPHS

Your friends the colony of dust devils (you're 99% sure you aren't sinning just by consorting with them, which is more than you can say for most of your friends really) went missing sometime after you arrived in the Orange Valley Research Clinic. You really ought to find them.

>READ LETTER

Which letter, the American Numismatics Museum souvenir postcard or the letter from the Mrs. Leeds Applesauce Powdermilk Wal-Mart Cookie Contest Committee?

>COOKIE

DEAR ENTRANT, it begins, and goes on to congratulate you on winning the contest and inviting you to present yourself at the Powdermilk headquarters in Los Angeles at your earliest convenience no later than a week from the day before yesterday. Pencilled on the back is the address you got off their web site, and a telephone number for someone named Robin in their PR department who assured you that if you showed up early it would be fine.

>EXITS

Obvious exits are north to the parking lot, south to the main hall, and southwest to the stairwell.


>
>ASK TASHA ABOUT ACCIDENT
>WAKE SLEEPING MAN
>PRAY
>NORTH
>SOUTH
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

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